Do you struggle with stress daily? Here’s solution.
Stress will affect us one way or another on daily bases. It can affect us at home and at work. When you aspiring to achieving something but don’t know how to get it. When you are bombarded by demands from other people especially if the demands are unrealistic or unfair. Anyone can and will experience stress and you cannot lead a stress free life.
What you can do, and this is what I will attempt to teach you here is to understand the stress you’re experiencing and deal with it in better and more effective way so it does not claim your physical, mental or emotional health.
If stress takes over you, you may end up developing negative habits like excessive smoking, eating or drinking and you will most certainly not be living up to your potential. Stress can result in damaging the relationships at home and at work.
“If we don’t have a vision for our own lives, we’ll forever be helping someone else to fulfil the vision that they have for theirs.”
We do not have control over the things that happen to us in life, however what we do have is the control over how we react to what happens to us.
This, of course, is easier said than done especially if you don’t have any idea how to react in any other way than the way you’ve always done. Behaviours you have are learnt behaviours which you repeat unless you purposefully unlearn them or change them. And that takes time and some tools and techniques.
Stress affects our relationships, if we don’t know how to handle it in the right way, it can have very negative consequences.
From the course I took, The complete stress and anxiety breakthrough, I’ve learnt analogy that by paraphrasing, goes like this: if you imagine, some of us have a tea cup for managing stress, others may have a bucket. By developing and managing yourself you can learn to handle more stress, therefore expand your jag.
As I said earlier, we all have to deal with stress at some point of our lives. It’s the pressure we put on ourselves, others put on us, the demands from work, home, school. It all demands time from you which in the midst of stress you don’t have that’s why you feel out of control.
Getting married, starting a new job, losing the job, break up, finances, all these situations present stress.
If you think of them a bit more, they all present a change.
Why change triggers the stress?
Change brings level of uncertainty. Wanting to know how the situations will work out, wanting to know if everything will be ok again.
Most of us can cope with one or two major life changes at once. However, when they start piling up, you can easily become irritated with even the smallest things.
At some point, you feel, it is a bit too much, that is when your jag, tea cup or bucket fills up.
When you’re unable to manage stress within you, what happens is, it’ll start affecting your relationships with your partner, co-workers, and so on.
The answer is not avoiding the stress, because that is just not possible. What you can learn to do is to expand the amount of the stress you can handle.
Out there, you’ll be able to find a lot of advice on how to cope with stress and stressful situations, what you will not find so often, is the advice and specific tools to prevent the stressful situations. And this is what my work is about.
What’s the greatest problem you’re faced with right now?
From where you are right now to where you want to be, it’s the not knowing how to get to where we want to be.
Have you ever felt stressed when you had enough time to meet demand?
What are you focused on in your life?
What you can get?
What you’re not getting?
How much time you have left? And how you’re going to spend it?
What is your perspective on life?
What are the things that cause you the most stress?
Which area of your life is a primary contributor of stress in your life?
What could you start doing right now to begin reducing the amount of stress you’re experiencing?
What could you start doing less of to begin reducing the amount of stress you’re experiencing?
What lesson could you learn form the stress you’re experiencing right now?
What advice would you offer to someone you care about if they were in the same or similar situation?
Name three daily habits that you could begin integrating into your daily routine that could start minimising the risk of you getting stressed out:
How would this daily habit prevent you from entering stress?
As I said earlier, stress arises when we put excessive amounts of demands on ourselves or other people put demands on us.
Let’s look in a bit more details how we could be inviting stress into our daily lives.
Be aware of the shoulds.
By the time I am 30, I should be married, I should have my own house, I should be financially secured.
Who do you base your ideal life on?
When you set unrealistic time-frames for your goals.
The only way to achieve your big goals, is by achieving your medium goals and they will be achieved by taking action and accomplishing short term goals consistently.
How do you prioritise your tasks?
We always have a choice about how we use our time.
Important & Urgent
Important & not urgent
Not important & urgent
Not important & not urgent
Here's how you can set priorities:
What is the compelling reason for doing ..?
What is the payoff of this activity compared to the time you will invest in it?
Is this event or activity time critical or day specific?
Can this task be delegated? Who could do this at least 80% as well as you?
What is the worst that could happen if this doesn’t get done?
Identify what’s important to you by checking in with your main life areas.
Life’s complex. That’s why, you’ll need to break your life into main areas. Ambitions which include Career, Finances, Personal development and ongoing education, Lifestyle which includes Health and Wellbeing, Relationships, Pleasure and leisure.
You may not always be able to achieve full contentment in all of the areas however you’ll be able to achieve sufficient balance between them if you keep coming back on constantly keep checking in and reviewing where you’re at.
This is advised to do at least every 3 months.
Do you get stressed out by working hard doing something that you love?
Do you get stressed by working hard doing something you’re naturally good at?
Do you get stressed out when you’re trying to do something that you don’t love and you’re also not good at?
Do you understand the difference between trying to do something and doing your very best?
Do you get stressed when you’re making positive difference in the lives of other people?
Would you have any work related stress in life if you were to commit the rest of your days towards doing something that you’re naturally good at and something that you’re actually enjoy doing?
The way people respond to stressful situations
Fight - explode, overreact, get angry
Flight - avoid but does not solve the situation
What’s your current approach to the stress?
It is the first step to changing any behaviour. Once you know your natural reaction to stressful situation and are able to identify what’s causing you stress, you will be able to control the way you react.
It is the power we all have but only a few know how to use it. Simply because it is hard work. It is easy to react and live by the same old preconditioned behaviours. To change them requires a lot of effort, a lot.
VALUES AND STRESS
Unless you know what your values are and how to meet them, nothing will ever be enough for you.
If you think about it, meeting your values equals happiness.
We all have different values, and our values differ. In a case you don’t know, the values are the things that matter, the things that are important to you. The ones you don’t want to compromise on and when you do it just does not feel right. They affect our decisions and our daily actions. The values you hold may be resulting in the level of stress due to expectations and perceived ideas.
The values were instilled in us through pain and pleasure experienced during our formative years, through our parents, carers, peers, friends, teachers, religion, culture, employers, partners and society.
They shape our life, they affect our decisions based on what we want most and what we fear most. They may very much often be pulling you apart. Remember last time you were attempting to make decision and you said something like: ‘Part of me wants to go, but part of me does not think it’s a good idea….’
Once you integrate into your life what matters to you, you’ll feel content, satisfied and fulfilled. It makes sense, right?
Example of values: Health, Vitality, Love, Warmth, Comfort, Passion, Honesty, Cheerfulness, Gratefulness, Learning, Growing, Contribution, Creativity, Fun, Happiness, Making a difference, Achieving,
What would happen if you consciously chose your values and consciously chose to live by them daily?
The answer is obvious, your priorities would change, the way you think, feel and behave would change, you’d probably spent less time worrying about things you worry about now.
In order to feel how you want to feel daily, in order to become the person you’d want to be, in order to behave how you want to behave daily, in order to live life as the best self, what values would you need to integrate into your life?
THE BEST WAY TO IDENTIFY YOUR VALUES
Find out what your values are right now, then rank them in the order of importance
For many of you, this could be first time you’ll take time to think about or clarify your own values. If you struggle to identify what’s important to you, ask yourself: Think about a time when you felt most fulfilled? What was the moment that touched you the most?
You could also think about a time when something angered you or frustrated you. That means you don’t approve or agree with it. And you could use reverse idea. For example: ‘I felt so angry when I found out that Jenny lied to me, I really don’t want to have anything to do with her. I must be able to trust my friends.’ The fact that someone lied means they were not honest, honesty could be one of your values. Or the trust.
Then, ask yourself:
In order to become the best version of myself, what do my values need to be?
Create a list. Then compare it to the values you have right now. Do they match? Do you need to add some of the values? Do you need to change the order of importance with some of the values?
When you’re about to purchase a car, you create criteria to evaluate if particular model is what you’re looking for, for example: affordable, spacious, luxury, style, comfort, speed, reliability, economy… These are criteria that needs to be met in order for you to be satisfied with a new purchase. The fewer criteria are met, the greater dissatisfaction you’ll meet.
Think of values as criteria for your life. You have them. Remember, they are what’s important and what matters to you, so the level of satisfaction you experience in your life is directly connected to the amount of values you are meeting daily.
If you think about it, this is ultimate equation of happiness.
Even with goal setting, you have more chances to achieve your goals if they are congruent with your values.
Look at the way you spend your time, that’ll give you a good idea for identifying your values.
You may have, what we call, Move forward values, for example: Happiness, Success, Comfort, Power, Growth, Peace, Passion
Or you may have, what we call, Move away values, for example: Rejection, Boredom, Sadness, Depression, Anger, Helplessness, Dependance
The values very much affect how you spend your time.
Living according to your values means, you can do exactly what you want to do, be who you want to be, be where you want to be. It’s ultimate freedom. You’ve got free will to choose, you can choose to do exactly what you want to do, but you must really want to be there doing what you do.
Many times, you may find yourself feeling unhappy with your situation, yet you’re not choosing to change it.
What we do when we’re unhappy with our situations is, we justify to ourselves and come up with all sorts of excuses why not changing is the good decision for us. Think about being in the job you really don’t like yet you choose to show up every day for.
Whenever you’re feeling dissatisfied with your situation but are not willing to change it, ask yourself:
What’s in it for you?
What keeps you in this place?
What are you getting from staying in the situation?
What’s the pay-off?
Many times, just by asking yourself these questions you may uncover the beliefs you hold about that situation (I do this because I want approval, Job offers good pay and pension, I’m scared of failing in another job). You may feel like you don’t have any other choices but to remain in this situation. This is where you may uncover the unhelpful thinking that rules your life.
With the right support from you coach, you’d be able to work through the unhelpful beliefs and unhelpful thinking so they stop holding you back from living the life of satisfaction and fulfilment. For more information or help further, schedule session with me.